Your child's anger management

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How to know if you have a problem with anger

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Having an "anger problem" may mean that you express anger in harmful, destructive ways, not that you experience anger. That seems to be part of the human condition, and we need to be able to appropriately express anger. If your anger is hurtful to you or others, you may indeed have an "anger problem." Take a look at this list and see if it applies to you.

1. People often say you are angry; especially the people who know you well.

2. When you get angry, it's always someone else's fault. (The kids are being too noisy, your spouse is late again, the boss didn't appreciate the work you did, etc.)

3. People tell you to lighten up, relax, take it easy, have a drink or try a Valium.

4. You drink alcoholically, take drugs, or engage in addictive or dangerous behaviors.

5. You become angry while driving, this includes pointing at another driver with the second finger or cutting off another car.

6. You hit your children, your spouse or animals. Hitting can be accomplished with many different weapons, not just the hands. Whether you use your hands, words or a belt, get immediate professional help.

7. You have a rigid body structure; your neck and shoulders are tight and sore.

8. You have ulcers, insomnia, high blood pressure or frequent tension headaches.

9. You always have to win arguments or get in the last word.

10. You find yourself sleeping in a different bed than your spouse.

11. Animals and children hide from you or cross the street to avoid you.

12. Co-workers, spouses or children keep secrets from you because they are afraid of your reactions.

13. You act out anger without stopping to think how your words or actions will affect other people.

14. You have multiple divorces.

15. When someone makes you angry, you emotionally withdraw or give them the "silent treatment."

16. When someone hurts you, you become obsessed with hurting him or her back. You may even take pride in your ability to "get even."

17. Forgiveness is almost impossible.

18. You never say you are sorry, except in a sarcastic voice.

19. Your children don't return your phone calls.

20. Your family or roommate encourages you to go to work, the gym or anywhere else just to get you out of the house.

21. Reading this list makes you angry.

Misleading Information About Anger

Many psychologists and counselors are confused about this most misunderstood emotion. One of the main reasons for this gross misunderstanding is because these professionals are confusing anger with rage. Once we stop using these very different-meaning words interchangeably, then anger will no longer be the crazy uncle in the family of feeling and thus no longer need be avoided.

Expressing Anger Creates More Anger

Some well-intentioned psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and spiritual leaders claim letting out our anger creates and perpetuates more anger. This is true only if the person is a continuous rageaholic, and most people aren't. Many professionals are afraid of anger, both their own and other people's, so they have a vested interest in their clients suppressing their anger. If a grieving man cries gallons of tears, it doesn't make him cry even more. He weeps until the water in his grief well is dry. A woman doesn't avoid laughing at a joke because she is afraid she'll never stop laughing! When allowed to run its natural course, every emotion has an end.

Expressing Anger Is Dangerous

Some people who are anger-phobic claim getting angry increases the blood pressure and strains the heart. In twenty years of facilitating the appropriate release of anger I've never seen anyone die from high blood pressure or stroke at an anger workshop. However, I bet you have known someone who died full of anger, and you were sure their high blood pressure and heart disease were caused by all those years of pent-up emotions. I'm not a physician, but I can tell you that for the years I have practiced the methods discussed in The Missing Peace and Facing the Fire I've seen thousands of people express and release their anger, then celebrate as their blood pressure went down. They slept better, medicated less often, ground their teeth less, had fewer nightmares and felt and expressed love more readily. They were finally allowed to express their feelings. Indeed, anger expressed appropriately equals energy, intimacy and serenity.

Anger Is A Chameleon

Most genuinely compassionate psychologists believe anger is a secondary emotion and, therefore, not even real. What we are really feeling, they tell us, is not anger at all, but perhaps fear or sadness. Remember, therapists are people too, people who learned that anger equals pain, just like you and I did. They may encourage you to "understand" your anger or "go for the feeling that anger is covering up." At best they tell you "to say more about this." And rarely will tell you to face it, feel it, express it and release it.

At Hanley Center's Center for Men's Recovery, http://www.hanleycenter.org for example, the terrain of anger is explored in a safe environment, where men learn to explore issues and express related anger.

Caution: Danger Zone

Bill was a client who had been married and divorced four times. When his wives were angry he used to say to them, "Now just calm down. We can discuss this like two intelligent people. If you don't calm down right now, I'm out of here." What was wrong with Bill trying to calm them down so they could discuss the matter? The ex-wives just wanted to feel their feelings and express them-it's called communicating. Bill interpreted their normal expressions of anger as a threat, because he associated anger with being hurt.

Don't Feel!

Most alcoholics and addicts learned at an early age not to show their feelings. Many men and women are embarrassed by their emotions and avoid displaying them in public at all costs. Many of the men I've worked with have said things like," I haven't cried publicly since I was seven years old." Many men have bought the lie, "Big boys don't cry."

Nice Girls Don't Get Angry

Many women are afraid to display anger because they were told: "It's not nice;" "It's not pretty;" "It's not polite" and "Good girls don't get angry." They have been called "ball-busters" and "bitches." Women have just as much right to their anger as anyone. I repeat, women have lots of reasons to be angry. Women didn't even get the right to vote until 1920, and they still get paid two-thirds of what men do for the same jobs.

Reality and Acceptance

Alcoholism and addiction, among other things, is rage acted out by people who have been angry for a long time and been encouraged not to feel it, threatened not to feel it and, thus, afraid to feel it. Most alcoholics and addicts have a lot of anger about how different they are, things are, situations are, and people are as opposed to the way they want themselves, others and situations to be. There is a huge space between what we want to be and what is, and that space is filled with alcohol and drugs, people and processes. That space between the way it is and the way I would like for it to be could be filled with anger, grief, acceptance and then love. However, most of us were not taught how to express our anger, or how to "accept" people, places and things as they are. So we may drink and drug in lieu of this acceptance.

Excerpted in part from John Lee's most recent book The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problem for Alcoholics, Addicts & Those Who Love Them (Health Communications Inc. 2006.) This book and others by John Lee are available at Hanley Center Bookstore or go to John Lee's web site at http://www.jlcsonline.com

John Lee is an acclaimed author and therapist who works with Hanley Center, a premiere treatment center for alcohol, chemical an other addictions in West Palm Beach, Florida, http://www.hanleycenter.org John Lee first became famous for raising men's emotional issues in the late '70s, and his book, "Flying Boy" became a national best seller. His latest book is "The Missing Piece: Solving the Anger problem for Alcoholics, Addicts and Those Who Love Them."

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CBT for problems with anger

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The emotion (or "feeling") of anger is a complex combination of physical sensations, cognitions (or thoughts), and behaviours.

The physical sensations associated with anger are well known. A racing heart, feeling short of breath, a dry mouth, butterflies in the stomach, trembling limbs, feeling hot and flushed etc. These may sound familiar - they are very similar to the physical sensations that occur in anxiety. This is unsurprising - it is the same physiological mechanism that underlies both emotions. Anger is the "Fight" component of the "Fight or Flight" response to perceived danger.

The physical sensations of both anger and anxiety are driven by hormones released by the adrenal glands (small pockets of tissue situated above the kidneys). These adrenal glands secrete adrenalin into the blood which rapidly disperses around the body. It is adrenalin that acts on the body to prepare it to either fight or run away by increasing the heart ("racing heart") and breathing rate ("short of breath and dry mouth"), raising the blood pressure ("feeling hot and flushed"), tensing the muscles ("trembling limbs") etc.

Common thoughts associated with anger include "He can't say/do that to me!" or "It's not fair!"

Behavioural manifestations of anger include clenching the fists, grinding the jaw and invading another's personal space.

It is very important to realise that all these 3 components interact and feed-back to one another, causing either an increase or decrease in the feeling of anger. For instance, if you're angry and you let yourself behave angrily - shouting and screaming for instance - you're body will secrete more adrenalin, thus increasing further the sensations of anger.

Anger per se isn't a problem - it is an emotion that has benefits in certain situations. The "anger" seen in animals when they're threatened or fighting over territory or mating rights is clearly a survival strategy. A passive, mild-mannered tiger isn't likely to live very long!

Fortunately for most human beings we no longer have to physically fight to survive, eat or find a partner. This makes a lot of our anger redundant. However, the "Fight or Flight" response has developed in us (and most animals) over millions of years so we will continue to get angry for the foreseeable future. This can cause us and others around us problems.

I'm not suggesting that we try and eliminate anger from our lives, but if we think it's causing us or others problems, we can try to moderate it and make it less damaging. Ideally we can make it work for us rather than against us.

CBT approaches anger by focusing on the thought processes associated with anger. The theory is that since our thoughts are a fundamental component of anger (along with physical sensations and behaviours), if we can moderate these angry thoughts we can moderate the other two components as well via the feedback mechanism.

Often it is our thoughts - our interpretations of events - that trigger the anger response in the first place. If we can develop a more balanced and rational interpretation of the world around us, we can nip the anger response in the bud. A good example of this is our response to criticism. If we interpret all criticism as a spiteful attack on us as a person, then we will get angry. If we are able to adopt a more balanced, rational view of criticism, we may feel disappointed but we will avoid getting "hot under the collar". We may even be able to see that sometimes our critic is right!

Another technique to moderate our anger is too think more flexibly. We've all seen toddlers and young children throw tantrums - they can be apoplectic with rage! Often this seems to be a result of immature, inflexible thinking - young children like to have (and make up) rules that must never, absolutely never, be broken, either by themselves or (especially) by others. Oh, the scenes of horror witnessed at children's parties when a child has "broken" the rules of a game!

Unfortunately, many of us adults continue with inflexible, never-to-be-broken rules to life. This is a problem if you want to avoid screaming and rolling around on the ground whilst wearing a suit. Examples of adult rules are "No-one must ever be rude to me", "Life must not be unfair to me", and (my favourite) "Other people must drive as well and courteously as I do".

There are many problems with these rules. First and foremost of which is that they're not really "rules" at all - they're your preferences. There is no law against people being rude to you, or life being unfair, or people not letting you out at junctions. You'd prefer it were otherwise, but that's all it is - your preference. As it turns out, most people are usually polite and drive decently, and the world may not be totally unfair after all, but there will always be exceptions. You can't control these exceptions, and by having such rigid rules you're setting yourself up for a lot of anger in your life. Try thinking along the lines of "I prefer it when things go my way, but sometimes they won't and I can accept and deal with that".

This leads to another technique for moderating anger - moderating the language we use. I don't simply mean avoiding swearing etc, but something more subtle than that, relating to both the words we use internally and externally. Language is a powerful thing - after all, our thoughts are made up of words (we a few pictures thrown in) - and we can use it to our advantage. So if something we don't like has occurred - someone's bumped our car in the car park - we can choose how to frame this event in language. We can think "I'd like it if they hadn't done that, they might have been more careful, this will cause me some inconvenience and expense" OR we can think "He's done this deliberately! He was probably drunk! How can this happen, today of all days!" One way of thinking uses moderate terms, the other uses extremes. Same event but different thinking responses. It's clear which response is not only makes this hassle more bearable, but also leads naturally on to sorting the hassle with a minimum of fuss.

Thinking more flexibly also involves accepting people - including yourself - as fallible human beings, capable of making mistakes and doing wrong. And yet despite these faults, they (and you) still possess dignity and are worthy of respect. This also means that we will accept that other people can have differing opinions and views and, even if we don't agree with them, we're not going to make ourselves angry trying to make them admit that they're wrong! Also, we're not going to label others (or yourself) as "nasty" or "useless" or "selfish" etc on the basis of one or two events or conversations. Everyone can, and probably has, been all of these things (and others) at some time in their lives, and probably on more than one occasion! If you label someone then not only are you being wholly inaccurate about a complex and changing human being, but you are also likely to interpret anything they do in the future on the basis of that label. If a "nasty" person coughs whilst you're giving a talk then obviously they've done it deliberately to annoy you. Cue the anger response!

A final way to moderate anger makes use of the interactions between thoughts, sensations and behaviours in a slightly different way. Rather than focusing on the thinking processes, this technique encourages you to focus on your behaviour. By moderating your behaviour you will provide "negative feedback" (also called "inhibitory feedback") to the anger response system, dampening down it's effects. So when you next feel very angry, rather than stomp around, shouting, shaking your fists and being intimidating, try taking slow deep breaths, relaxing your hands, talking at a normal volume and at a normal rate etc. This calm behaviour will send the message "Things are OK" back to your body, causing the secretion of adrenalin to tail off and stop, thereby reducing and eliminating the physical sensations of anger. Interestingly, behaving like you're calm also works on your thoughts. So calm, measured behaviour leads to a calm body and mind.

The main problem with human beings and anger is that, for most of us, anger is no longer very useful. In our modern lives we mostly confront irritations and inconveniences rather than an enemy tribe or voracious wild animal. It is no longer appropriate for us to go red in the face and want to smash the place up. Using the techniques detailed above can help us to moderate our anger.

I say "moderate" and not "eliminate". I think it is neither possible nor desirable to remove a fundamental emotion like anger from a human being. We need some level of anger to prompt us to act appropriately in situations where our interests are threatened. We may not be in physical danger, but getting angry can galvanise us to act when our bosses are giving us too great a workload or our government is curtailing our liberties.

But perhaps I should call not call this "anger" but "assertiveness"! (See above!)

Dr Steve Last is a Psychiatrist and CBT Therapist working in Edinburgh. Please visit http://www.drstevelast.co.uk for further information on psychological problems and CBT.

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Control anger and healthy grapes of wrath

In their attempts to describe the furor, many authors, therapists and anger management teachers use words, exacerbating the problem of anger. Both pseudo-types anger Description "normal" or healthy, tell us nothing about what happens during arousal angry or whatever it is. They are the regulatory environment with no meaning other than values, ideologies and those who use them. "Anger" only means that the person using the word is probably going to get angry at the same under the same conditions, and that everyone should have him or her.

Anger is a natural, of course. It is part of the innate fight/flight/free ze response we share with all mammals. Anger in all animals is a powerful incentive to dominate dominate or responses for the protection of minors, self-government, and on a joint social animal Pack mates. (Check out this hierarchy for myself, I think, when you get Surprised if your neighbor's yard, you or your children are at risk.)He has dual perception of vulnerability and threat to activate the emotion of anger as all animals are lesser threats with more anger, when we are tired, hungry, sick, physically injured or emotionally wounded.

Despite the universal angry modern people are the only animals who have trouble anger and only social animals who continually tap anger against minors, self, and Pack mates. this because we recycled main function furor of protecting life, loved ones, as well as fellow protection ego today something like verbal abuse appears to make us feel vulnerable and in need of protection, even against their kith and kin.

Healthy way to experience anger

Adjectives don't just describe function furor, they come very far from what is really going on with us when we feel it nevertheless, everyone wants to know about healthy anger.

When the press it is naive to ask about the "healthy grapes of wrath, I enjoy following an accurate description of what happens during the anger arousal:

"I'm angry (or outrage, impatient, irritable, closed, cranky, etc.), which means that I'm currently in a mental condition that reduces my ability to understand and see any nuances. adrenaline rush, I am making me increase and facilitate that stimulate my anger, although it crashes my decision and make me unable to see other perspectives or to see other people at all, in addition to my emotional reactions.

"I'm probably more self-righteous than right.No doubt the small ego defenses, making it more likely that I'll break my deepest values than protect them, and that I will speak against my long-term interests.

"I am not able to manage my impulses and tolerate frustration. My fine motor skills temporarily deteriorated.

"I don't have to try to negotiate, analyze the issue, or do something great, until I was governed by a temporary condition that prepared me to compete when I really need to solve the problem."

Of course we are unlikely to experience anger in this truly healthy, without great practice.The point here is the standard terms to describe obscures the anger and distorts what happens in the experience of anger and thus exacerbating the problem of anger-duplicate form of emotion that makes us act against our long-term interests.

Do not justify, improve

The real motive behind the use of standard terms to describe the anger is justified by some anger and blame others, also if you have the right to experience some form of anger, but not others is simple conceptual problems for authors, therapists and anger management trainers who are trying to separate the "justify" from "unjustified" anger turn natural disasters to people who use these pseudo-descriptions conform to guide our everyday life.It makes you seek to justify, instead.

Of course you have the right to be angry and experience any kind of anger.(You have the right to shoot yourself in the foot, for that matter) more important question is as follows:

"This is my anger helps me be a parent, partner, friend or colleague, most want to be?"

This is a matter of your core values, which are the basis of your ego, as well as its strength. If your behaviour is in line with your core values, increases your sense of internal value by reducing the need for ego inflation. improving internal cost you become less dependent on the get values from other. reduce dependence on others, you can see them as individual people who, like you, who often blindly and regrettably defend their own inflated egos; in other words, you become more compassionate. you sense less internal vulnerability and less external threat, which makes you less likely to induce reactive anger. short you make angry less necessary in your life: you start seeing angry as generally not bad, but an important signal to go back to your main value.

Unfortunately reduced double-threat and vulnerability perceptions of ego by increasing the value of fixed assets has been the history of treating anger issues, including anger management and traditional psychotherapy. but this is a topic for another article.

Dr. Steven Stosny's latest book is how to improve your marriage without talking about it: finding love beyond words: the author of six books, he has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show, "" CBS Sunday Morning, "" the today show, "and CNN 'S" Talkback Live "and" Anderson Cooper 360 "and is the subject of articles in the New York Times, Washington Post, u.s. News & World Report, the Wall Street Journal, Esquire and Cosmopolitan, O, Psychology Today, AP, Reuters, USA Today.http://compassionpower.com

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Conversion of repressed Anger technique-anger willpower!

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Anger is energy. It is a feeling that is a part of our emotional life. Anger can become your greatest enemy debilitating your health and producing negativity. When anger is understood and transformed it can become your greatest ally toward healing and finding personal peace.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and commonly repressed emotions. When you understand the true nature of anger, you can begin to harness a lost power of your will. Will power is the key to create permanent and positive changes in your life. It all hinges upon how you relate to your emotions. Before we explore transforming anger it is important to clarify "positive" and "negative" emotions.

Emotions are a feedback system offering guidance in our daily lives. They inform us of what we need to do in order to feel secure and peaceful. In childhood we learned to judge our emotions and placed them into two categories, positive (good) or negative (bad) emotions. We tend to label any feelings that are constrictive such as fear, guilt, and loneliness as negative and bad. The expansive emotions like love, joy, and happiness are considered to be positive (good). The challenge for you is to redefine your relationship with all your emotions and change the way you relate to them. Here is how to do that.

You'll experience an empowered relationship with your emotions when you redefine them. Negative emotions are any emotion (love or fear) that you ignore, deny, and repress. Regardless of their names, all emotion becomes negative when you refuse to feel and express them.

Eventually, all repressed emotion explodes into a rage, either inward or outward rage. It is the repression of emotion that causes its destructiveness, not the emotion itself. Likewise, love that is repressed can be just as destructive as anger. Emotions are energy that needs to be felt and expressed respectfully.

Positive emotions are any emotion that you honor (own), feel, express and release, appropriately. When you respect your anger as much as your love, you will have matured your emotional intelligence and begin to take dominion over your life.

We've been brain-washed from childhood to judge anger as a bad emotion. Like all emotions, anger is meant to be felt, expressed and released... appropriately. Repressed anger always has negative impact in our lives. Addictions, worry, self-doubt, and powerlessness increase when anger is repressed. When anger is released these negative experiences will decrease rapidly. Also, within all anger there is a hidden resource of willpower. The energy needed to end procrastination and take charge of your life, can be found once you tap into and release your anger.

How to Create a Healthy Relationship with Anger.

It is important to recognize the value of both your constricting and expanding emotions. Anger's purpose is to offer you feedback. Anger is a messenger communicating to you that change is needed. For instance, if you feel angry with a person then something about that relationship needs to change. Perhaps you are not being respected or understood. Pretending you are not angry only compounds the negativity.

Being honest with yourself is key to harnessing the power of your emotional nature. When you let go of your judgment and honestly feel your constricting emotions you'll quickly express and release them. Then, the energy trapped inside can become a constructive force in your life.

Four Steps to Transform Repressed Anger into Willpower:

The 1st Step: Take responsibility for your anger (own it) and begin to feel it. This allows you to connect with it and begin transforming it into a positive experience. By realizing this simple truth you can begin to lift anger out of its destructive and repressed state.

The 2nd Step: Express your anger in writing. Take some paper and write at the top of the page, "Me and My Anger". Write the first thing that comes to your mind about anger. Write in a free association style. Don't worry about grammar, sentence structure or spelling. Express your anger by writing down your thoughts and feelings.

For example you might start to write: "This exercise is stupid. I don't believe I'm doing this! Trying to write down my anger is so frustrating... I feel stuck, like I'm back in fourth grade... blah, blah, blah."

Let the thoughts and feelings roll out of you! Don't access or judge your words. It may feel awkward at first, but soon it will start to flow out of you in a stream of consciousness. Before you know it, you'll tap into the anger trapped inside your subconscious mind and release it.

After 20-45 minutes the constricting feelings will shift and lift to a peaceful feeling inside of you. When that happens destroy the paper, tear it up, burn it or flush it down the toilet. Next take a break and go do something you enjoy. Relax in a hot bath, go for a walk, enjoy your favorite movie, do something fun. This will help you lift beyond these feeling into a more expansive space. Give yourself at least 2 hours and up to 24 hours to relax before you move on to the third step.

The 3rd Step: Express your anger imaginatively. This is an important step to free your mind. It involves using your imagination to unhook the negativity from your subconscious mind. Your subconscious mind does not know the difference between something you imagine and something that really happens.

For example: Have you ever sat in a movie theatre and watched scary images on the screen that caused you to tighten up with fear and become anxious? Logically, you knew you were safe you were surrounded by a hundred other people. However, your subconscious mind didn't distinguish the images on the screen from what was really happening to you. This is how the body-mind connection works. Your subconscious mind doesn't know the difference from what you imagine to what really happens to you, physically. It reacts the same

Guided Imagery Technique to Release Repressed Anger.

Close your eyes and imagine the person you're angry at standing before you. This person may have died long ago it might be a boss, a parent, someone who pissed you off. Tell them in your mind how angry and upset you are. If you need to act it out, then act it out- imaginatively! If you were so angry you could have spit and kicked them, then in your imagination, spit and kick them! Play it out, now is your chance to vent the pent up energy from your subconscious mind! Don't hold back. The more vivid you imagine this with honest feelings the more effective it will be.

Tip: If it is difficult for you to express old anger from your childhood then let your inner child express their feelings. Let the angry part of you, your child, adolescent or teenager express the feelings they had never released.

You may be worried that if you vent your anger in meditation, you're somehow sending negative energy to the person. Remember, your intention is where energy flows. Your intention is to transform anger into a positive energy. Once your subconscious mind has vented your anger, you can easily forgive and let go. Let the angry part of you act out their feelings don't hold yourself back. Honor the angry part of you and it will set you free.

The 4th Step: Forgive whoever angered you. Forgive them and let them go. Again, you can do this in your imagination, simply imagine them in your mind and tell them, I forgive you. I am letting you go. You don't have to talk to them physically but you can effectively forgive them in your mind, where it really matters. Forgiveness will come easily once the anger has cleared from your mind.

If you have difficulty forgiving them, then go back and see if there is more anger you haven't let go of. Once you have forgiven them and yourself (for attracting this negative experience) decide what positive energy you'd like to experience more of in your life. Do you desire greater self-determination, discipline, and creativity? Visualize how you want to feel and be. Imagining your self back in the flow, empowered and feeling great with a renewed ability to be focused, productive and creative

Tip: Read my article on Forgiveness

When you release repressed anger you automatically strengthen your inner power. Your life becomes full and rich with greater love, happiness and peace. You'll feel more in charge of yourself and your life. The more anger you feel and release the more clear, happy and alive you will be. Your health can improve rapidly and you will have an unstoppable will power to create the changes in your life you've always wanted.

Michaiel Patrick Bovenes is an author, professional speaker and meditation teacher. Explore my website for great self empowerment articles and meditations. Join my weekly quotes newsletter and receive a free downloadable meditation "How to Relax and Focus Your Mind in Minutes."go to RelaxationMeditations.com Michaiel currently resides in San Francisco, CA and teaches throughout the USA and Canada.

READ MORE - Conversion of repressed Anger technique-anger willpower!

Healthy anger and your health is to make your anger work for you instead of against you

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FROM THE WARRIOR SPIRIT TO THE SPIRITUAL WARRIOR

Each of us developed a warrior spirit soon after our birth. Your first anger development occurred after the first few months of your life, coming to a head around the age of two, which is how the idea of the "terrible two's" developed.

In this chapter, we will look at the process that took you from your birth as an innocent child to the development of the warrior spirit as protector of the child. We will then explore the development of the warrior's "sword" and "shield" and discuss how they show up in your body and in your actions. This will lead to an understanding of how illness, aggression and violence relate to the sword and shield, and how the warrior spirit disconnected from love and intelligence becomes a "destructive protector" Finally, we will explore how this destructive part of your personality can be transformed into a "loving protector" and ultimately into a Spiritual Warrior.

THE BIRTH OF THE SWORD AND SHIELD

The warrior spirit in general develops because the child self within needs protection. The child and the warrior both represent examples of Jungian archetypes, which are well illuminated in the work of Carol S. Pearson's Awakening the Heroes Within. The child is innocent, open and vulnerable; and needs the protective energy of the warrior for its safety in the world.

A useful way of understanding the development of your warrior spirit is by working with the imagery and energy of the sword and shield. The sword projects, penetrates, pierces and protects against anything that threatens or opposes you. The shield deflects, conceals, separates and distances you from the perceived threat or opposition. Both are natural and highly useful.

You can see that the sword and shield are metaphors for the defense mechanisms of anger and withdrawal, which we have thoroughly explored in this book. The metaphor and mythology of the warrior's sword and shield will ground your understanding and take you further into the healthy power of these natural processes.

This world does not respond well to the warrior's sword. The piercing, penetrating energy of your anger was most likely punished, overpowered or ignored, causing you to withhold your sword and put it somewhere that it could not be seen or heard. Or you may have been raised in a family where there were "sword fights" going on all of the time, and you had no choice but to join in the fray as best you could. So you either became withdrawn and quiet never showing anger, or you became aggressive and outspoken for your own survival. Your sword is either hidden inside you, or it's out for the world to see, hear and feel. No matter what, it didn't go away completely.

· The sword in action. If you use the sword of your anger openly and have not learned to temper its steel and carefully direct its focus, it has both protected you and caused you and others harm.

· The sword in the body. If the sword of your anger was punished, overpowered or ignored, you had to put it away. There was nowhere to put it but in your body.

We have no choice but to develop our warrior's shield, whether we learned to fight with our swords or keep them concealed. There have always been and will always be other warriors with their swords out, and we would literally die without out shielding.

· The shield in action. Hiding, pretending, closing off and numbing out are all aspects of the shield in action. When you learned to be "seen and not heard," to form a frozen facemask that conceals your emotion and vulnerability, to grit your teeth and tense your muscles to keep from crying, you were putting your shield into action.

· The shield in the body. The shield shows up in our bodies in many different forms. Muscular tension and occasional spasms, restricted breathing, digestive problems, circulation and/or heart problems, slumped shoulders and excessive weight can all be seen as manifestations of the warrior's shield showing up in the physical body.

THE DISCONNECTED WARRIOR SPIRIT

The original purpose of the warrior spirit, its very "raison d'etre" is to protect the child. As life and relationships become complicated and the sword and shield are not honored or cultivated, the warrior spirit becomes distracted and desperate, choosing destructive forms of protection that actually do more harm than good.

The fiery temper that you originally developed to give you some power and control in the world becomes a weapon that harms you and the ones you love the most. The aggression and forcefulness that you developed in order to make a place for yourself in an unsafe world becomes a handicap that causes others to fear and avoid you. The fierce determination to protect yourself by "winning no matter what" becomes your nemesis as you abandon your integrity in order to "come out on top." The sword that once worked so well for you now seems to have a mind of its own, and you can't seem to stop its self-destructive course.

The skill of being invisible that once made you safe from negative attention is now a curse that keeps you from being seen and heard by those whose attention you want. The wall of stoic silence that you developed to survive in a home where vulnerability was punished now becomes a prison from which you cannot escape. The protective barriers of numbness, detachment and dissociation that allowed you to survive abuse are now an impenetrable fortress that prevents you from knowing yourself and letting others know you. The shield that once served only to protect now threatens your connections with yourself and your loved ones, and even threatens your life itself.

Clearly, the sword and shield of the warrior spirit are necessary and important. Yet when your world failed to educate you on their use and function, you were on your own to figure out how to use them. The development of your sword and shield was therefore unconscious, without the guidance of wisdom and experience.

The warrior spirit in most of us can thus be seen as lost, primitive, wild, unfocused and beast-like. Beast-like because it had to retreat into our bodies without the education of our minds, and our animal nature is alive and well in our physical bodies.

Your warrior spirit can only develop into the noble and powerful Spiritual Warrior with the help and participation of your brilliant mind and your open heart. Most of us have not had the opportunity for that development, but it lies before you right now. You can retrieve your sword and shield from the shadows of your being and bring them into the conscious light of day. Then, combining them with your love and wisdom, you can shine them until they reflect the pure light of health and beauty for the fulfillment of your true spiritual purpose.

First, let's assess the damage they've done while operating in the unconscious shadows of the soul and society.

ILLNESS, VIOLENCE AND THE WARRIOR GONE AWRY

· The sword in our bodies. The American Heart Association has sponsored research that indicates, "people who are highly anger-prone are nearly three times more likely to have heart attacks than those who aren't." Metaphorically, we might conclude that when your sword is out of control, it might just pierce your own heart. Other ways that the misguided sword can injure us are reflected in this quote from a health care professional with the Vanderbilt Health and Wellness program. "Anger impacts us physiologically, making itself known to us through muscle tension, headaches, rapid breathing, increased heart rate, stomach distress, elevated blood pressure and even flushing of the skin."

· The shield in our bodies. The effects of shielding, or complex unconscious psychophysiological defense mechanisms are diffuse and multi-faceted. It is clear that chronic tension in large and small muscle groups throughout the body can lead to a variety of acute and long-term physical ailments. Gastro-intestinal disorders, upper respiratory illness, and cardio-vascular problems are all related to and effected by hypertension. We are looking at interactions between emotional and physical processes here, not implying specific cause and effect relationships.

When we look at the problems in the world, the warrior's sword and shield are not hard to find.

· The sword in the world. The piercing, penetrating energies of angry words, sarcastic cuts, racial slurs, bullets, missiles and bombs are all too prevalent in today's early twenty-first century world. With war, terrorism, hate crimes, workplace violence, school shootings, domestic disputes, rape and child abuse occurring on an ongoing basis in various locales across the planet, we don't have to wonder about the seriousness of this problem. The unconscious, unclaimed warrior of the human soul is on the loose in our world, at times intimidating and at times claiming our minds, hearts and homes.

· The shield in the world. Stoic faces, no eye contact, awkward silences, cold flat voices, uncaring responses and miles of distance between people inches from each other are but a few of the manifestations of the warrior's shield in the world. Children with thoughts of violence and suicide who are not speaking to their parents, parents who don't know how to talk to their children, husbands and wives who don't communicate, the woman afraid to set foot outside her front door and people everywhere with unexpressed love in their hearts show us examples of the walls that separate us painfully from each other.

THE DESTRUCTIVE PROTECTOR

The warrior spirit who is disconnected from love and wisdom becomes the destructive protector. Still making a misguided effort to protect her inner child from pain and suffering, the woman continues to drink too much, harming herself and her family in the process. Driven by his will to win approval through being successful and making lots of money, the man continues to work sixty hours a week against his doctor's recommendations and at the expense of intimacy in his marriage.

All of the compulsive-addictive disorders can be seen as the destructive protector at work. These behavior patterns create a "high" or "rush" or reward that gives temporary relief (protection) from pain, and yet create far more pain than they ever relieve. In the effort to protect, they become destructive.

Other forms the destructive protector may take include:

· The inner critic. That voice in your head telling you what is wrong with you, reminding you of your limitations and flaws, is actually trying to protect you from harm. Dialogues with inner critics consistently reveal that their original purpose was to prevent pain, suffering and loss. The more frustrated their efforts became, the louder and more desperate they became, until they were far more destructive than protective.

· The inner critic. That voice in your head telling you what is wrong with you, reminding you of your limitations and flaws, is actually trying to protect you from harm.

· The inner tyrant. Also known as the taskmaster, this aspect of the destructive protector will never let up on you until all of the work is done. And all of the work is never done.

· The cynic. That voice in your head that tells you what is wrong with the world and everyone in it was originally developed in an effort to keep you safe. Yet if allowed to run its course and have its way, it will cause you to become isolated, withdrawn and non-functioning.

· The fear mind. This aspect of the destructive protector will convince you that it is just not safe out there. In a misguided effort to protect, the fear mind can create absolute paralysis.

· The angry victim. Constantly convincing you that your problems are those other people's fault, the destructive protector in this form can actually lead you into abusive and violent behavior.

We can see the sword and shield of the disconnected warrior in each of the above examples of the destructive protector. All of these can exist in one person, feeding off each other's fear and anger until catastrophe strikes. The destructive protector's ace in the hole is death. Homicide and suicide are the last-ditch efforts of a misguided, disconnected destructive protector warrior spirit. Our job here is to prevent any of us from ever going near such tragic outcomes, by reconnecting the warrior spirit with its original purpose of protection.

RECONNECTING THE WARRIOR WITH LOVE AND WISDOM

The healing of the warrior spirit requires a return to the pure innocent child whose protection was its original purpose. As this happens in the therapeutic process through imagery, journaling, voice dialogue and experiential release work, the destructive protector shifts her focus from destruction to protection. As the connection with the child grows through continued processes such as those described in this book, the protector becomes a loving protector. This is the beginning of the birth of the spiritual warrior, and gives us a metaphorical context for exploring healthy anger.

THE LOVING PROTECTOR

When your anger becomes healthy, your warrior spirit is intimately connected with the power of love. The protection of your precious inner child is therefore always a matter of love more than fear-based anger. With the spiritual power of love as an ally and empowering force, your warrior is now far more capable of providing effective protection for your child self without sacrifice or loss.

The development of your sense of faith and optimism are a natural and essential part of this process. A belief in positive outcomes and an overall attitude that "things are going to be okay" will bring stress relief and comfort to your inner child. In extensive research conducted over many years, Herbert Benson, M.D. found that individuals with a strong sense of faith and optimism recovered more quickly when they became ill, and were less likely to get sick in the first place.

Thomas Moore said, "The only real change occurs in the imagination." Right now, imagine a positive outcome in some situation that concerns you. Believe it. Feel it. You may notice your body relaxing a little. You might even experience a sigh of relief. If this happened for you, you just got healthier and improved the functioning of your immune system. Your loving protector wants you to have faith and hope, because of the wonderful benefits it brings to your body, mind and soul.

Here are some ideas to consider about your loving protector:

· The loving protector focuses inward, while the spiritual warrior's focus is external.

· The loving protector is completely devoted to caring for the inner child and all of the inner aspects of your being.

· The loving protector accesses and utilizes more brain capacity than the destructive protector.

· The loving protector sees all that you are and embraces you in your totality.

· The loving protector is like a guardian angel in your own mind, heart and body.

· The loving protector is equipped with a magnificent sword and shield that shine with a spiritual light that radiates from within you.

· The loving protector rarely if ever needs anger or aggression to protect you.

· The loving protector accesses your brilliance and wisdom, the depths of your love and the power of your spirit.

· The loving protector is your spiritual warrior focused internally on you.

THE SPIRITUAL WARRIOR

So how does this look to the world outside us? As the loving protector develops within, the spiritual warrior begins to develop in our relationship with the outer world. To get a sense of what a spiritual warrior is, think of the people you admire the most. You can use historical figures, celebrities, fictional characters or someone from your own life experience. What do these people have in common, and what sets them apart from others? Here are some of the qualities that come to mind:

· They are comfortable with who they are and where they stand.

· They are humble souls, always learning and growing.

· They go their own way, led by an inner knowing of their purpose and mission.

· They enjoy life and all of its little daily pleasures.

· They are at home in nature, and have an abiding love of animals and the outdoors.

· Music, art and poetry are important to them.

· They are creative, in their own unique way.

· Children are naturally drawn to them.

· They love and honor the elders on the planet.

· They laugh heartily, often.

· They have a vision of their own place in life and the unfolding of their future.

· They manage their finances well and successfully.

· They are aware of the beauty in other human beings, and treat each one with respect.

· Their physical health is robust.

· They are aging beautifully and gracefully.

· They have a strong relationship with the God of their choosing, and impose their views on no one.

· They realize their own greatness and insignificance.

The spiritual warrior has the courage to be creative and to express abundant positive emotion. This is not easy by any means. It is much easier to "stick with what you know" and adopt the "safer" negative attitude of "expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed." The problem is, that approach may literally make you sick. A research project that has come to be known as "the nun study" suggests that individuals who are the most creative in their thought processes and who express the most positive emotion are the least likely to develop Alzheimer's Disease. It has also been found that expressing love and appreciation helps the human heart to function better. Clearly it is possible that the effort you make to develop the spiritual warrior within you will greatly benefit your physical, mental and emotional health and well being.

Set your vision of the spiritual warrior you choose to become. See yourself already there, as you go about your daily activities. Feel it happening. Know that it is so, and act accordingly.

HEALTHY ANGER

So what does anger look like when it's healthy? Effective action. Healthy anger may not look, sound or feel like anger as we have come to know it. It is purely and simply the raw energy of emotion channeled into action to accomplish the desired outcome. It shows up as determination, enthusiasm, clarity, focus, energy, drive, consistency, fortitude, guts, courage, commitment, persistence, and resilience. Healthy anger necessarily works in conjunction with humor and love, wisdom and intelligence.

Healthy anger grabs the store clerk's attention so that you get better service. All it takes is an enthusiastic, "Excuse me, could I get some help here?" with a smile, a clear voice tone and a lot of good energy.

Use your healthy anger to say "No!" to the messages you have received about aging. See yourself right now aging like you would like to. See yourself strong, fit, vibrant and well ten, twenty, thirty or more years into your future. Make up your mind you're going to fulfill that vision. Write out a plan to make it happen. Use the healthy power of your anger to stick to your program and don't let anything stand in your way.

Embrace the aspects of the spiritual warrior, the healthy man or the healthy woman that work best for you, and make it happen. Read Henriette Anne Klauser's book Write it Down Make it Happen, and do what the title suggests. This is your life, and no one can or will live it for you. No one is going to come and make everything okay for you. But you can. And there are many people willing and able to support you when you do.

You can live the life you have always dreamed of, and the pure, powerful energy of your healthy anger can help you get there.

This article is an excerpt from the best-selling book entitled, Anger: Deal With It, Heal With It, Stop It From Killing You.

William G. DeFoore is a counselor, executive coach, speaker and president of the Institute for Personal and Professional Development. As the originator of the Healthy Anger And Your Health audio program, he has also been on the faculty of the Wellness Program at Cooper Aerobics Center for fifteen years. He has 34 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy relationships.

Get free information, watch videos and purchase books, CDs and downloads at http://www.AngerManagementResource.com.

READ MORE - Healthy anger and your health is to make your anger work for you instead of against you